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The Dead Fantasy



On Christmas day I flew from Portland to Los Angeles. As is the case with Oregonians and airports, I found myself surrounded by oddly dressed people… not the least of which were Mr. and Mrs. Claus.

That’s right, as I joined the security screening line I noticed that just 7 people ahead of me there was a couple dressed up as jolly old St. Nick and his wife.

Everyone was quite happy to see them!

I didn’t do a double take at first, because I assumed that it was a couple of young pranksters out for a holiday lark…

…if you’re going to fly at Christmas, why not dress up like the Claus family?

The double take happened when I realized that these weren’t young people sporting snowy wigs and beards, they were an honest to goodness AARP couple wearing richly handcrafted costumes… and the hair was completely home grown.

Whatever possesses a couple in their early 70’s to dress in full red-velvet tailoring on Christmas day must also have possessed the “Mr. Claus” several years ago, because his full, chest-length white beard and shoulder-length white hair had been ages in the making.

While I assume that this was a professional Santa Claus performance team, probably headed to a charity event where they would no doubt stir the hearts of many children at their final destination, they weren’t working any magic for the 6am travellers…

…or the TSA agent who had to frisk “Mrs. Claus”.

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Showing Up Big

So today I saw a pretty remarkable video that’s been floating out there on the inter-webs. You’ve probably seen it, I’ll put a link at the end.

What starts out as a very boring home video from somebody’s African safari quickly becomes more fascinating than an animal planet movie featuring the those wily Kratt brothers.

It’s so amazing, that I’m telling you about it right now.

In the video, a baby water buffalo is kidnapped from his mother by a pride (that’s a professional term for herd) of lions.

They chase it and it falls into the river.

While the lions are trying to pull the baby water buffalo out of the river, a crocodile (I’m not making this up) swims up and grabs the water buffalo’s tail with its jaws.

This means that a tug of war for the baby water buffalo breaks out between the crocodile and lions.

Just when it looks really bad for that baby water buffalo (what with all the teeth and claws), guess what happens? A whole herd (that’s a water buffalo term for pride) of mama and poppa water buffaloes rolls up on the scene!

The herd charges in and starts thumping on the lions left and right (I’m really not making this up) until all of the lions run away, and the baby water buffalo is rescued alive.

Now I know what you are thinking; “This is probably going to become a lesson about how we shouldn’t leave our precious ‘baby water buffaloes’ laying around to be menaced by ferocious savannah predators.”

or

Always take care of friends when bad things happen.”

Except I know that you probably already know all about that.

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How To Butcher A Pineapple

I do a pretty good job of being self-sufficient. I feel I can usually hold my own in just about any situation I encounter.

That being said, you should know that I just got shown up by an Island Grandma.

“The worst part was that I didn’t even see it comin’.”

For my money, Pineapple is the best fruit God put on this earth. It’s delicious, has a beautiful color, an amazing aroma, and it looks like the kind of egg that an alien would leave behind on our planet.

That’s pretty much what I know about pineapples.

There’s only one flaw with the pineapple, and that’s the fact that it takes about 4 and a half hours to prepare for consumption.

This is how you do it:

First you have to find a weapon to kill it with. I recommend the kind of machete you see being brandished by the citizens of a developing nation who are attempting to throw off the yoke of a military dictatorship.

Second, you need like a plank of wood or something firm that you can freely chop on and not be scared of ruining or getting slivers (a pineapple is dangerous enough on it’s own).

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