Donut Envy

Sometimes you get to work to find that someone brought in a box of donuts. Whether or not you eat a donut that day depends on how early you are walking in the door: Five minutes early and you’ve hit the jackpot, Five minutes late and you’re looking at a Missed Opportunity of Hall & Oates proportions.

The First 5 To Go

The Powdered Jelly Donut
It doesn’t matter what kind of jelly you put in it, the Powdered Jelly is the people’s champ. Crafting this donut so that it’s soft, yet slightly crispy is the sign of a great donut house.

The Apple Fritter
It’s huge and delicious. The best fritters taste like apple in every bite, not just when you get to the fruit paste. Eat a good one and be prepared to pass out. Nothing says, “Get back in bed” like the Apple Fritter.

The Maple Bar
I can’t imagine that this donut isn’t Tim Horton’s top seller. The only way to make a donut more Canadian would be to fill a hockey puck with Molson Ice, beaver pelts, and Bryan Adams records. The only thing that can ruin this masterpiece is over frosting it.

The Custard Filled Chocolate
Getting the right amount of vanilla and egg flavoring in the custard makes or breaks this gem. This donut is so good that we put up with it having a different name at every shop: Boston/Bavarian Cream, Bismark, Pershing, etc… We should just be calling it “delicious”.

The Buttermilk Bar
This is the stretched out “loaf” version of the old fashioned. It’s essentially the mullet of donuts, ugly and out of style, but pair a hot one with a glass of milk and your taste buds will feel like they are burning down the street in a Camaro blaring Motley Crue.

The Last 5 In The Box

The Coconut
Evidently someone thought that the people around the office would like a white frosted cake donut covered with coconut pencil shavings. Because who doesn’t like the way THAT feels on your teeth? Clearly this person trusted the donut clerk to fill the box.

The Strawberry
Does any place besides a donut shop have strawberry frosting? If they do, they probably aren’t using it as plaster the way the folks at Winchell’s are. Only children will attempt to eat this one.

The Egg Cruller
If you love the Egg Cruller, you’re probably also the guy who likes the Dave Matthews Band because of how “trendy” they are, or the girl who loves “Legends Of The Fall” because it’s “a masterpiece of romantic story telling”. YOU think you have great taste but WE all know better. It’s a nasty donut, not a French pastry.

The Crumb Donut
This donut may not taste all that bad, but who chooses this donut as their first pick in the gluttony draft. Just what kind of crumbs are those, and where do they come from? The custodial technician usually gets this one at the end of the day.

The Half Donut
Someone in the office is on a diet so they cut a good donut in half, leaving the remainder behind for the one guy in the office who doesn’t mind eating someone else’s leftovers… Yes ladies, he’s single.

7 Responses to “Donut Envy”

  1. Jordan January 14, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    Personally I’m a fan of the “French” Cruller and if I were lucky enough to find one among the final five, I would eat it with joy. You ranked the powdered donut #1 but I’ve choked enough times on that powdered sugar inhale to know that I’m definitely leaving that in the box for you!

    • Andy January 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

      Couldn’t agree more.

  2. Derek January 14, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

    John – As an amateur critic doughnuts I generally agree, however, I have a few questions:
    Who buys 10 doughnuts? everyone knows you buy a dozen, right? Or are you just not commenting on the 2 doughnuts in the middle? What about paying homage to the old fashioned and the old fashioned glazed? I need answers.

  3. Jon Furman January 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm #

    Oh the other two donuts…

    The Plain Cake
    This one gets passed over by everybody but the coffee addict. He takes this donut from bad to good with a “splashdown” when nobody’s looking.

    The Glazed
    The “gateway donut”. How many waistlines have been destroyed by “just trying it once?” It ubiquity is topped only by it’s simplicity.

    Honorable mention: The Sprinkles & The Cinnamon Twist.

    The Bear Claw silently pleads the 5th.

  4. Patty P January 15, 2011 at 5:53 pm #

    Just read this today, after having a box of donuts brought in this am…and the 2 last in the box were powdered sugar jelly! Maybe they knew they were lemon.

  5. Sarah S January 15, 2011 at 8:06 pm #

    Sprinkles will take honorable mention because they bring the fun! and they get picked every time.

  6. Cheryl Q June 1, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

    I like that this post, like the book of Esther, doesn’t have explicit instructions about the Lord, but still points to His goodness. …taste and see that the Lord gave us Boston Creams.

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