Feeding Time!

By now you’ve probably heard the big news.

Alicia Silverstone chews up food and then feeds it to her baby.

and America is outraged!

Of course once I heard about this I needed to find out just what in the name of Spring’s first robin was going on with one of our nation’s finest bungie jumpers. I hopped on the google machine and pulled up an article about how Ms. Silverstone, “posted a video of herself feeding food she’d already chewed to her 10 month-old son Bear Blu.”

The food: miso soup, collards and radish steamed, then drizzled with flax oil, cast iron mochi with nori wrapped outside, and some grated daikon, was given to the child “bird style”, via the mouth. Alicia detailed this on her website “The Kind Life“.

The Kind Life offers suggestions and ideas to readers about lifestyle choices ranging from interior design to composting… for the environment.

“I fed Bear the mochi and a tiny bit of veggies from the soup…from my mouth to his.”

I’d like to just take a moment to point out, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, that this story, while high in gross-out factor, is really a terrible case of misdirected attention.

I submit to you that regurgitating food into an infant’s mouth is not really the most disturbing piece of information contained in this story.

To get riled at Alicia’s bovine feeding program is to directly leap over several other issues so absurd that one has to wonder if this is truly a national concern, or a clever marketing ploy intended to drum up website traffic.

1.) This story features a child named after a kind of animal AND a type of cheese. Where was this all of this outrage when celebrities began naming their children this way?

If this isn’t stopped, what’s to keep other famous moms from naming their children after apples, colors, or numbers.

B.) This story contains a description of food so disgusting and distasteful that I can’t imagine Ms. Silverstone’s pre-digestion of it couldn’t actually enhance the final flavor.

I also think that Jeff Winger could convincingly make a case for at least three of the items on that list being “made-up” foods like Kasha, Quinoa, and Couscous.

!.) This story reveals that a woman who finds nothing distasteful about filming and then posting a video featuring pre-masticated meals also believes that she should be giving us tips on the tasteful decoration and preservation of our homes… and planet!

When the aliens come for us, I hope that they find that we’ve taken Alicia’s advice about collecting all of our disgusting, rotted items into incredibly stinky compost piles.

Beyond these “quasi-legitimate” concerns of mine, I fear that the outcry of negative response to this story reveals that our society believes that a mother’s saliva is not just disgusting but also harmful, and to this point I would like to make a casual observance to the contrary, and in defense of Ms. Silverstone:

I’ve watched a mother settle a dispute about “the last cookie” by biting it into equal portions and distributing it among her seven children… while driving.

Nobody complained, and everybody was happy.

Since at least the early 1950’s mothers have been using their saliva as a jiggered all-purpose solvent and hair fixative.

Families feature coiffed hair and clean faces for Olan Mill’s while maintaining health, in spite of mom’s spit.

Because of a rich history with this anecdotal evidence, I feel confident stating that if a mother’s lips and saliva have historically been acceptable as medicinal salves for innumerable scrapes and bruises, then children are most likely safe around Alicia Silverstone’s vomitous mealtime regimen.

Even if it is as gross as her performance in Batman and Robin.

3 Responses to “Feeding Time!”

  1. Leslie D. Martin March 30, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    How do you “chew” soup?

  2. Mike Maxwell March 30, 2012 at 10:03 am #

    It just seems….a bit….on some level…incestuous.

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