I’ve eaten a lot of terrible Halloween candy.
This isn’t to say that there’s a lot of terrible Halloween candy out there, but after eating the freshest and the stale-est, I’ve learned what to steer clear of and what to veer into.
As an adult, I learned that I only had so many calories that I could spend on Halloween treats. This meant that my tastes had to become more selective than they were as a child.
To help you navigate this final week of the Halloween Season I’ve put together a handy guide of 4 things to walk away from, and 4 treats to walk away with.
The Tootsie Roll
I know that everybody gives out Tootsie Rolls. I know that they have very few calories and can last a long time if you chew them slowly enough. But I also know that ff you can get it from a Grandma the other 365 days a year, it also doesn’t really count as “Halloween Candy.” The Tootsie Roll never satisfies, it’s Halloween fools Gold.
Double Bubble Bubble Gum
Double Bubble may be the worst Bubble Gum in the history of chewing, and I’m including that 5 year-old piece of Bazooka Joe that you found under the couch back in Middle School. After 25 seconds of insanely sugary intensity the Double Bubble becomes a rock-hard hunk of something that tastes more like a piece Silly Putty than you want to believe… and yes, I have tasted Silly Putty.
I was an adventurous child.
I can already feel your rage building, but read on before skipping ahead to the comment section to vent your wrath. I’m not disparaging Candy Corn, or its cousin the Candy Pumpkin. I’m asking you to consider whether or not Candy Corn is hard to come by?
Candy Corn is one of the cheapest candies available for bulk purchasing, this means that it’s widely available in dishes and bowls on the counters of offices and meeting rooms nationwide. In addition to this, Candy Corn has an incredibly long shelf life, even when left uncovered in arid conditions.
Long after the chocolate and caramel have been consumed or stowed, Candy Corn will be available for you to turn to. Don’t waste your Halloween appetite on something that will still be around until Black Friday.
Bottle Caps/Smarties/SweetTarts/Pixie Stix/Fun Dip
In regards to flavor there is nothing substantial about any of these “candies”; they are simply pure sugar in its loose or caked form. Sugar is supposed to be one of the ingredients, not the only ingredient, in a good Halloween candy. By stripping away almost every other component, these candies are the Halloween equivalent of “crack”- They supply the fix that repeat offenders are looking for without delivering the flavor that the casual indulger requires.