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A Double-Double… In Portland.

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Despite yearly rumors to the contrary, Portland’s lack of population density, a civic loathing of drive-through food, and the vegetable transportation industry appear to have conspired against us in ways that mean In-N-Out Burger isn’t coming to PDX anytime soon.

This means that the majority of Oregonians are left to drive downtown if they want to enjoy a good burger… and yes, I am aware of the fact that Five Guys are peddling their Wonderbread buns and peanut shells in the metro area, no thank you.

While you can get many good burgers in Portland (LBB and anything with “Joe” in the name come to mind) none of them taste like a ray of sunshine kissing the sea-spray in the way that a Double-Double from In-N-Out does.

For my money, there’s only one thing wrong with the Double-Double from In-N-Out Burger.

It doesn’t travel well.

The world’s best fast-food burger is a delicately crafted thing of fragile and fleeting beauty. Just twenty minutes after creation, an In-N-Out Burger goes from being the greatest food product of all time, to a congealed ball of mush that cannot be reheated into food.

This isn’t normally a problem since the average lifespan of a Double-Double is about 11 minutes:

You order it,

They make it,

You devour it immediately,

It’s why they call it it In-N-Out.

As an expatriate Californian, my personal problem is that I live roughly 6 hours from the nearest In-N-Out location. If I do happen to drive from Portland, Oregon to Redding, California I can have a burger… but I can’t bring one back for my wife.

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Donut Envy

Sometimes you get to work to find that someone brought in a box of donuts. Whether or not you eat a donut that day depends on how early you are walking in the door: Five minutes early and you’ve hit the jackpot, Five minutes late and you’re looking at a Missed Opportunity of Hall & Oates proportions.


The First 5 To Go

The Powdered Jelly Donut
It doesn’t matter what kind of jelly you put in it, the Powdered Jelly is the people’s champ. Crafting this donut so that it’s soft, yet slightly crispy is the sign of a great donut house.

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Spending Your Empty Calories

 

I’ve eaten a lot of terrible Halloween candy.

This isn’t to say that there’s a lot of terrible Halloween candy out there, but after eating the freshest and the stale-est, I’ve learned what to steer clear of and what to veer into.

As an adult, I learned that I only had so many calories that I could spend on Halloween treats.  This meant that my tastes had to become more selective than they were as a child.

To help you navigate this final week of the Halloween Season I’ve put together a handy guide of 4 things to walk away from, and  4 treats to walk away with.

LEAVE IT:

The Tootsie Roll
I know that everybody gives out Tootsie Rolls.  I know that they have very few calories and can last a long time if you chew them slowly enough.  But I also know that ff you can get it from a Grandma the other 365 days a year, it also doesn’t really count as “Halloween Candy.”  The Tootsie Roll never satisfies, it’s Halloween fools Gold.

Double Bubble Bubble Gum
Double Bubble may be the worst Bubble Gum in the history of chewing, and I’m including that 5 year-old piece of Bazooka Joe that you found under the couch back in Middle School.  After 25 seconds of insanely sugary intensity the Double Bubble becomes a rock-hard hunk of something that tastes more like a piece Silly Putty than you want to believe… and yes, I have tasted Silly Putty.

I was an adventurous child.

Candy Corn
I can already feel your rage building, but read on before skipping ahead to the comment section to vent your wrath.  I’m not disparaging Candy Corn, or its cousin the Candy Pumpkin.  I’m asking you to consider whether or not Candy Corn is hard to come by?

Candy Corn is one of the cheapest candies available for bulk purchasing, this means that it’s widely available in dishes and bowls on the counters of offices and meeting rooms nationwide.  In addition to this, Candy Corn has an incredibly long shelf life, even when left uncovered in arid conditions.

Long after the chocolate and caramel have been consumed or stowed, Candy Corn will be available for you to turn to.  Don’t waste your Halloween appetite on something that will still be around until Black Friday.

Bottle Caps/Smarties/SweetTarts/Pixie Stix/Fun Dip
In regards to flavor there is nothing substantial about any of these “candies”; they are simply pure sugar in its loose or caked form.  Sugar is supposed to be one of the ingredients, not the only ingredient, in a good Halloween candy. By stripping away almost every other component, these candies are the Halloween equivalent of “crack”- They supply the fix that repeat offenders are looking for without delivering the flavor that the casual indulger requires.

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