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The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Christmas day is almost here and for many people this means celebrating the birth of Jesus with friends and family.

For some, this will be a joyful chance to catch up on what’s been happening on those branches of the family tree that stretch in a different direction than yours.

For others it will be mealtimes of awkward weirdness rivaling a merger of the Munster and Dynamite families!

Holiday gatherings with relatives of varying age and stage can be the kind of experiences that blend petty annoyances with hereditary grievance to create a fine tapestry of conflict avoidance… embellished with flourishes of passive aggression.

Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Others of you don’t have a clue.

For those of you who experience a lovely Christmas celebration every year, and are wondering what kind of scenario I’m describing, I’ve lovingly compiled a helpful list of 10 things you can do to make this holiday season a little more embarrasing for the people you love!

1.) Sing along with “Feliz Navidad”.
It’s a little known, and completely unsubstantiated, fact that no living caucasian knows, and can correctly pronounce, all of the words to this song.

This is proven every year when, upon first hearing of the song, every white person present attempts a hearty sing-along.

While surprisingly strong out of the gate, an “all-honky chorale” fades faster than a pair of Kirkland Signature jeans.


How To Butcher A Pineapple

I do a pretty good job of being self-sufficient. I feel I can usually hold my own in just about any situation I encounter.

That being said, you should know that I just got shown up by an Island Grandma.

“The worst part was that I didn’t even see it comin’.”

For my money, Pineapple is the best fruit God put on this earth. It’s delicious, has a beautiful color, an amazing aroma, and it looks like the kind of egg that an alien would leave behind on our planet.

That’s pretty much what I know about pineapples.

There’s only one flaw with the pineapple, and that’s the fact that it takes about 4 and a half hours to prepare for consumption.

This is how you do it:

First you have to find a weapon to kill it with. I recommend the kind of machete you see being brandished by the citizens of a developing nation who are attempting to throw off the yoke of a military dictatorship.

Second, you need like a plank of wood or something firm that you can freely chop on and not be scared of ruining or getting slivers (a pineapple is dangerous enough on it’s own).


Caramel Gold Rush

The phrase, “Worth its weight in gold” is completely overused.  I’ve heard it applied to everything from denim to sparkling cider.

When was the last time that you experienced something so good that someone could have weighed it, then demand payment based on the weight of the item multiplied by the price of gold per ounce?

When you think about it in those terms it becomes difficult to find something that is wonderful, yet not so weighty that it becomes prohibitively expensive.  For example:  I purchased a 12″ Macintosh Powerbook back in 2005.  It was the pinnacle of compact computing, and the best technology purchase I ever made.  Unfortunately, 6 years ago the lightest computer on the planet still weighed 4.9 pounds.  Using the price of Gold per ounce from the year 2005 ($427 per oz.) we can estimate a purchase price of nearly $34,160.00 (shipping included).  While a great computer, it wasn’t worth a year’s salary.

While you may not be willing to pay it, The 4 oz Magnum Ice Cream bar absolutely tastes like $1,500.  It’s that good.  If you think I’m crazy, try finding the Double Caramel bar at your local supermarket.  Right next to the fully stocked Dove and Haagen Dazs Bars you’ll discover an empty shelf with a tag that reads: “Magnum bars, $5.99, box of 3.”

You read that right, on sale you’ll pay two dollars per bar.  That my friends is a deal because they usually cost $3 per.  How can this be?  I’ll tell you, Magnum Bars are the smoothest ice cream you’ve ever had, dipped in the finest, silkiest, Belgian chocolate you’ve ever tasted.  In the case of the Double Caramel, that bar is additionally dipped in two layers of caramel, then dipped again in chocolate.

You’re probably uncontrollably wondering, “If this is true, then why haven’t I heard of this before now?” while salivating like one of Pavlov’s finest.


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