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Satan Claus Revealed…

 There are enough Evangelical Christian boycotts and protestations that it’s often easier to point out what we don’t believe in that what we do.  When you consider the number of things that we’re supposed to get bent out shape over you begin to understand why many of us never read our Bibles, pray, or even evangelize.

While Christians are on record for opposing: Hallmark, Halloween, Harry Potter, The Home Depot, Disney, Sony, and more, it’s hard to find a topic more divisive to many Christians than “Satan Claus”.

In my experience, Christians with opposition to Santa Claus generally fall into three categories:

#1. Santa Claus undercuts the true meaning of Christmas, robbing Jesus of his rightful glory and promoting consumerism.

#2. Lying is wrong.  I’m not going to teach my kid to lie, by lying about Santa.

#3. I’m not letting some “fat idiot” take credit for presents that I bought.

These beliefs, or some combination of them, often lead to a bitter refusal to participate in the “Santa myth” and the accompanying 2 months of griping when velvet, beards, and heavy-set men are spotted near twinkle lighting.

I’d like to just take a holiday moment to say to the garden-variety Christian that “you don’t have to hate Santa” .  I’ll do this by addressing the three main reasons… in a tongue in cheek fashion.

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We Need A Big Bird And A Kermit

One of my favorite things about a Muppet Movie is that they make absolutely no attempt to address the issue of why people and puppets are co-existing in a world where no one questions the presence of a puppet.

Often a Muppet Movie will just jump right into scenes where someone could be walking an actual dog, while also talking to a dog puppet, who may or may not have the ability to sing and play the piano.

Also not explained are puppets who, unlike Kermit or Piggy, are humanoid, but obviously not human… like Dr. Teeth.

You can imagine my surprise when, as a child, I was informed that the Muppets and Sesame Street were made by the same people.

This was startling because on Sesame Street the “actors” consistently talked to the puppets like they were… well puppets. They also went out of their way to make, then reinforce, their points in conversation with puppet characters who seemed highly uneducated and much less sophisticated than their Muppet counterparts.

As a kid I couldn’t stand Sesame Street.  Even at a young age I was able to recognize that not only were they talking down to me, but that they assumed that I also was very stupid and unsophisticated.

The whole thing seemed like an exercise in educating me about things I had very little interest in… like counting and the letter B.

You might be thinking that the difference between these two shows is that one is geared for children and the other is geared for families but the difference is actually greater than that.  As an adult I’ve recognized that I didn’t like Sesame Street because I didn’t like the message that it was sending me:

“You are a child, and you have a lot to learn before you grow up.”

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A Pain In The Butt

Sometimes you read something so bizarre that you have to stop and wonder whether you are awake or having a having a ridiculously embellished lucid dream. You know what I’m talking about right? The dreams where the specificity of detail is so unsettling that you don’t forget them for years.

One time I so vividly dreamed that the closet door of my 4th-grade classroom actually led to my great-grandmother’s attic that I not only announced it to everyone when I woke up, but went to school fully expecting to access her place in Pennsylvania from a door in California.

You can understand the shock when, upon opening the closet, I discovered that the closet contained a partially assembled “Visible Woman” and a dilapidated, “wheel-around” medical skeleton.

I was disturbed, but didn’t flinch or scream because my great-grandma’s attic was much more frightening.

If you’ve never had the type of experience I’m talking about, try reading this portion of an Associated Press article I stumbled upon… and by “stumbled upon” I mean “eagerly clicked on when it popped up on the Yahoo sidebar”:

“Several possible victims have come forward alleging a woman posing as a Florida doctor and promising buttocks enhancement pumped their behinds with a toxic concoction of cement, superglue and flat-tire sealant”

It gets worse…

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