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A Double-Double… In Portland.

Despite yearly rumors to the contrary, Portland’s lack of population density, a civic loathing of drive-through food, and the vegetable transportation industry appear to have conspired against us in ways that mean In-N-Out Burger isn’t coming to PDX anytime soon.

This means that the majority of Oregonians are left to drive downtown if they want to enjoy a good burger… and yes, I am aware of the fact that Five Guys are peddling their Wonderbread buns and peanut shells in the metro area, no thank you.

While you can get many good burgers in Portland (LBB and anything with “Joe” in the name come to mind) none of them taste like a ray of sunshine kissing the sea-spray in the way that a Double-Double from In-N-Out does.

For my money, there’s only one thing wrong with the Double-Double from In-N-Out Burger.

It doesn’t travel well.

The world’s best fast-food burger is a delicately crafted thing of fragile and fleeting beauty. Just twenty minutes after creation, an In-N-Out Burger goes from being the greatest food product of all time, to a congealed ball of mush that cannot be reheated into food.

This isn’t normally a problem since the average lifespan of a Double-Double is about 11 minutes:

You order it,

They make it,

You devour it immediately,

It’s why they call it it In-N-Out.

As an expatriate Californian, my personal problem is that I live roughly 6 hours from the nearest In-N-Out location. If I do happen to drive from Portland, Oregon to Redding, California I can have a burger… but I can’t bring one back for my wife.


Right In Front Of My Face.

Debit Readers

Have you ever overlooked something that was really obvious? I mean it was right there in plain view, but you couldn’t see it?  To make matters worse sometimes the pressure is really on and you’ve got to come through for everyone, but you don’t know what the answer is or even where to find it?  You know the type of situation I’m talking about don’t you?

Like finding the “Yes” button on the debit card reader at the grocery store.

Isn’t it about time that we finally adopt a standardized button layout for these machines?

I know that the button is there on the machine, but where?

Sometimes the button says, “enter”,

Other times it says “accept”.

Occasionally it doesn’t say anything at all because the words have been rubbed off.

Sometimes the words on the screen are by the button you are supposed to push,

but sometimes you have to tap the screen with a stylus.

If you’re lucky the button is green,

but sometimes it’s blue.

You may know where the button is on the machine at a Safeway, but go into an Albertson’s, and you need Tommy Lee Jones doing a hard target search of every henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in the county to find it.

So you stand there paralyzed,

Staring at the PIN pad,

While a woman behind you is clearing her throat and pointing,

And you finally see it…

It’s right there on the pad,

 A stationary button that doesn’t move.

It’s been there the whole time.

It wasn’t hidden.

It just wasn’t where we wanted it to be.


Taking The Long View


In the spring of 1939 A young actor named Ronald Reagan began work on a movie called “The Code of the Secret Service”.  In the film he played a hard-boiled secret service agent named  “Brass Bancroft”.

Throughout the fall of ’39 the movie was drubbed by critics and audiences alike.

It seemed very few people enjoyed the picture, even Reagan himself referred to the “The Code” as his worst performance.  In the midst of all of this criticism a 10-year-old Jerry Parr of Miami, Florida managed to see the film at least twice.

He liked it, no matter what anybody else said.


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