How To Butcher A Pineapple

I do a pretty good job of being self-sufficient. I feel I can usually hold my own in just about any situation I encounter.

That being said, you should know that I just got shown up by an Island Grandma.

“The worst part was that I didn’t even see it comin’.”

For my money, Pineapple is the best fruit God put on this earth. It’s delicious, has a beautiful color, an amazing aroma, and it looks like the kind of egg that an alien would leave behind on our planet.

That’s pretty much what I know about pineapples.

There’s only one flaw with the pineapple, and that’s the fact that it takes about 4 and a half hours to prepare for consumption.

This is how you do it:

First you have to find a weapon to kill it with. I recommend the kind of machete you see being brandished by the citizens of a developing nation who are attempting to throw off the yoke of a military dictatorship.

Second, you need like a plank of wood or something firm that you can freely chop on and not be scared of ruining or getting slivers (a pineapple is dangerous enough on it’s own).

After securing your food processing items, grab the pineapple by it’s green, spiky “hair” and chop off the thick rind on the bottom.

This reveals the yellow meat that it is cleverly stored inside the leathery, spiny skin used to defend itself against predators in the wild.

This is the part where it starts getting tricky.

The pineapple doesn’t want to be eaten, so it will start squirming around. Don’t let go of it’s hair- You’ll need something to grip as the juice starts flowing.

Using the machete, start cutting the pineapple into circular slices about 1 inch thick, just like you see when you open up a can from the grocery store.

This sounds easy but remember: You are cutting through the skin and then, about halfway through the pineapple, you’ll need brute strength to start hacking away at it’s fibrous core.

Hang in in there, I promise it’s worth it.

After you’ve cut about 15 roughly hewn slices, you can finally throw the pineapple “hair” away. Don’t worry, it’s now sticky, wilted, and useless. Take my word for it, that part doesn’t taste very good anyway.

It’s now time for the dangerous detail work.

Using the tip of the blade in an up and down “sewing-machine” motion, remove the circular core from the center of each slice by rotating them with your fingers as you cut.

After removing the cores, carefully peel the rind from the slices using the blade edge. This will be more difficult that tearing away the foil and wax paper coating from a roll of lifesavers, but easier than taking the hide from a rhinocerous.

It may seem like a lot of work but just wait till you taste that fruit… and think of the machete skills you are building!

Once finished you’re ready to clean up the pineapple juice that has soiled your preparation area, face, hands, arms, feet, and the patio of the condo below you.

For this you will need a warm soapy rag, a lysol mop, and a shower with a “Silkwood” approved nozzle.

I recommend an egg-mayonnaise rinse for freeing the hair of pineapple juice.

Serve and enjoy.

You’re probably wondering two things by now:
A.) Is the author of this story an idiot?
2.) Wasn’t I led to believe that an Island Grandma would feature in this story?

The answer to both of these questions is “yes.”

While I was enjoying my pineapple, and remarking to my wife about how easy it was to prepare, there was a knock on our door.

Tita Lani, one of the members of the resort staff, came in to check if “everybody Ok?”.

I don’t know how she knew to check on us… possibly she had heard the chopping, mild grunting, and possibly some “light” swearing, and was checking to make sure that only a pineapple had been murdered.

Over the years Tita Lani has probably visited the remains of many a pineapple massacre. She knows what an inhumane pineapple slaughter looks like.

She quickly rectified the situation.

In about 12 seconds she smoothly removed a pineapple from the shelf, placed it on a silicone cutting board, and then using a long, thin, knife:

Sliced away the hair on top,
split it in half lengthwise,
removed the core fibers with two diagonal incisions,
quartered the halves,

and in a final “away-from-the-body” push, deftly slid the blade between rind and fruit- leaving us with 4 huge pineapple spears.

Serve and enjoy.

No mess, no fuss, no light-swearing.

Well played Island Grandmother.

I used to think that I did a pretty good job of being self-sufficient, but I don’t really hold my own in many new situations I encounter.

I’m learning that If I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s always best to let an expert teach me how to do it.

My life if filled with a lot of useless material. It’s covered by a lot of willful stubbornness that I like to label self-sufficiency. The truth though is that I have adequacy issues.

When it comes to dealing with my selfishness, my pride and greed, I am woefully unequal to the task.

I’m inadequate and I won’t cop to it.

Under my own willpower I try to “stop it” or “quit” and get frustrated when I can’t affect the behavior change that I want to see in my life.

I hack and chop to be master over my flesh but I don’t have the tools or the ability to create any real, lasting change… because behavior doesn’t change until our nature does.

When God transforms our nature, as we accept Jesus’ sacrifice and submit to the work of the Holy Spirit, he does so at a character level. He changes our heart’s desires, moving us from greed and pride (self-sufficiency) into a life of gratitude and humility (spiritual dependence).

This happens when we surrender our ineffective tools, pitiful strength, and terrible ideas- becoming subject to his skillful technique and precision.

In doing so we stop asking God for “strength” to accomplish our goals and start asking God to reveal his desires… which are only accomplished by his strength.

It means admitting that we don’t really know a thing about setting ourselves free, stepping back to let him show us how it’s done, and then following his lead in obedience.

This is how he makes beautiful things out of us, without destroying us.

We become experts in, and recipients of, life change by surrendering our hearts and actions to the Life Changer.

Serve and enjoy.

No mess, no fuss, no light-swearing.

Well played God.

“You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us.
You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of dust.”-

2 Responses to “How To Butcher A Pineapple”

  1. Sharon O November 11, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    Transformatin is the key word, God changes us either in small steady steps or sometimes with swift firm movements. Great story.

  2. Patrice November 15, 2011 at 8:18 pm #

    Guess I need to go to Hawaii to get some new spiritual insights…

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