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Justice, with a side order of…

While I’ve known for years that you can order a side salad with a burger, I never have.  This isn’t because it wouldn’t taste good, it’s because I’m a man and the only salad a man eats with a burger is the salad that’s already in the burger… and if you are as manly as my friend Matt, sometimes not even then.

A man orders some form of potato with his hamburger, the only question is what kind of potato it’s going to be.  A young man gets tater tots, an older man gets  french fries, an old man gets “steak fries”, a fancy man gets curly fries, and the man’s man goes “all in” with the baked potato, baco’s, and two ice cream scoops of sour cream.

I often see women augment their burger order with a side salad or even a cup of minestrone.  This is because women like to finish a meal and then have the ability to stand and walk around immediately afterwards.

What you order with your main course tells the waiter exactly what you like, and what you like tells the people around you the kind of person that you are.

Sunday night, the United States of America was treated to a main course of justice by its government.  We learned that Osama Bin Laden met the fate of a man who plots the destruction of the innocent.  We all got to pick the side order.

Do Over

The University of Oregon needs to change their mascot.

Full disclosure:  My favorite college football team is the UCLA Bruins.  That’s correct, my football team is from a school that’s known for basketball, math, and violating the rights of the handicapped.

I’m a Bruin fan because I’m from SoCal, and I’m not a USC Trojan fan because I’m from North Los Angeles County, not Frontrunner County.  That being said, The University of Oregon failed miserably during the School Mascot Draft of nineteen thirty whenever.

For those unfamiliar with the legend surrounding the Oregon mascot, here it is in 3 sentences:  In 1876 the university began competing under the name “Webfoots”.  Sometime in the 1930’s a duckling named “Puddles” began making appearances as the schools mascot.  Eventually someone appropriated Donald Duck’s likeness, Walt Disney thought it was cute, and now an entire state is stuck with a mascot that even Denny Crane can’t defend in court.

I’m not saying the Ducks aren’t the best college football program west of Texas, I’m saying that their mascot ranks just slightly above the Stanford Tree but below the Irvine Anteater in terms of intimidating flora and fauna.

Duck fans can’t argue this point; they know their mascot is the culmination of a historical comedy of errors that cascades towards the present day like a green and yellow domino rally:  “Webfoots” is grammatically inferior to “Webfeet”, Puddles is the kind of name you give to a cowardly puppy, and choosing any one of Disney’s seven dwarves would have produced better results than choosing an incoherent and impotent oceangoing nincompoop.


Who Needs Who?

It’s early March, and for the first time in nearly four years nobody really cares what Brett Favre is doing right now. If that seems odd it’s probably because we’ve gotten used to having around the clock coverage on what the patron saint of Wrangler Jeans will be doing in the fall.

The speculative frenzy wasn’t exactly unwarranted; as a two-time league MVP, Super Bowl Champion, and holder of nearly every passing record known to man, Number 4 was an icon for achievement as a pro quarterback.

In fact, the increasingly operatic nature of his public behavior seemed to demand that we all paid attention. Unfortunately, the increased coverage combined with a “need to be noteworthy” meant that we also got to learn the sordid details of his personal life.

Whether it was through cell phone photos or contractual obligations, Brett Favre made a spectacle out of overstaying his welcome and in the process gained a reputation as someone who pushed himself on others on his own terms, regardless of whether or not he was wanted.

For contrast, it’s been two years since we’ve speculated on what another recently retired quarterback is doing, and I’m not referring to someone unsuccessful. Kurt Warner was also a two-time league MVP and Super Bowl champion. While he didn’t play as long or produce the same gaudy career statistics as Brett Favre, he was able to do something that Brett couldn’t… walk away clean.


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