Furmanifesto

I can’t do algebra, not even a little bit. While I can add apples and take apples away from apples, as soon as the letters start mixing with the numbers I’m completely lost.

Now that you know that I can’t do algebra, you might assume that I’ve also failed an algebra test or two. You’d be wrong though, I went an entire year of school passing algebra tests; because I am an accomplished math cheat.

I cheated on every assignment, test, and quiz of every day, of my freshman year of school.

It was easy, I would look at the papers of everyone around me and write down exactly what i saw. I also got a little help from people “liked” me enough to “trust me”, and blindly believe in my innocence.

I had no conscience, just a desperate desire to get a passing grade any way I could.

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Lance Armstrong has been stripped of 7 Tour De France victories, and faces a lifetime ban for using illegitimate substances while competing at the highest level of bicycle racing.

Lance Armstrong has never officially failed a drug test.

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Prince Harry has been photographed cavorting nudely in Vegas.

In what appears to be a massive surprise to people everywhere, a powerful, wealthy, 27 year-old prince apparently travels the globe getting his “Zoot” on.

This fails to shock me for two reasons:

1.) I already learned that this happens from the un-watchably awful 2004 romantic comedy “The Prince and Me”.

2.) This really seems to be what the un-wealthy and average are also traveling to Vegas for, regardless of age.

Las Vegas loved our colloquial adage “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” so much that they began using it in tourist advertisements in the mid 2000′s.

The Las Vegas Visitors Bureau didn’t coin the phrase, they just began using it to officially invite people to come do what so many people had been doing there since Dean and Sammy hopped their first flight to hang with Frank.

The only problem with the motto is that what happens in Vegas never actually stays in Vegas… And I’m not talking about the loss of “privacy” that comes with smart-phone cameras.

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On February 8th 2009, a former child star put his fists all over a budding R&B singer.

Chris Brown and Rihanna were only 20 years-old the night that their romance came to an end, and since that day both lives have been a patchwork quilt of financial successes and personal trials.

For his part Brown was arrested, booked, and eventually plead guilty to a felony assault charge.  After an initial apology and brief hiatus, he spent the next three years doing little to convince the general public that he was a person of reasonable temper and ego.

This isn’t to say that everybody hated Chris; his fans got over the incident quite quickly.  In fact Brown himself was surprised that anybody still wanted to talk about his violence towards a woman he loved; going so far as to trash his dressing room and storm off of the set at Good Morning America when host Robin Roberts dared to bring it up.

Anybody who wanted to know how Brown felt about the media “betrayal” he experienced needed to only check his twitter feed: “I’m so over people bring this past s**t up!! Yet we praise Charlie Sheen and other celebs for there b******t.”

He couldn’t seem to understand that people who didn’t need his music had a hard time forgetting that his rage sent a woman to the doctor looking like this.

While last three years have been great for Rihanna’s career, they certainly haven’t been great for her health.  Assessing personal wear with people in their twenties is a lot like buying a used car, it’s not really the years you’re looking at, it’s the mileage.

The Barbadian has put a lot of hard miles in recently.  In the last year the hard-partying singer has cancelled three public appearances and been hospitalized for “exhaustion” twice.

When your weekend leaves you in need of an I.V. you’ve clearly left reality and wandered into the dreamscape populated by Goldie Hawn, Tara Reid, and Lindsey Lohan.

Still this sort of behavior doesn’t usually make waves in the world of celebrity.  What did rock the boat was Sunday night’s personal interview with Oprah Winfrey where Rihanna dropped the bomb that she still loved Chris Brown.

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