Making Summer Better


Summer is rough on adults.  When you’re a kid, society gives you the opportunity to take advantage of the weather by taking away the school work that you’re supposed to be doing.  Unfortunately, adults are still expected to look at an 84 degree day and decide to put on a tie and go to work.

Recently I had a few ideas that I believe would instantly make summer living even more incredible than it already is.  I’m pretty busy with my obligations right now but I know that many of you have some free time, so if you’re bored and you have skills, here are some things to try:

Thicker Bread On An Ice Cream Sandwich
There’s just something awesome about an ice cream sandwich and it isn’t the vanilla ice cream is it? No, it’s that incredibly cheap chocolate type food-product surrounding the ice cream.  The only way to actually improve an ice cream sandwich, without turning it into something else, is to increase the amount of chocolate “bread” available.

I decided to test this, but do you know where they sell ice cream sandwich “bread”?  They aren’t selling it anywhere people.  I don’t even think anyone knows what it’s made of; is it cake, cookie, or cracker?  All I know is that as the ice cream melts, the chocolate gets softer and softer eventually leaving you with a chocolate fingerprint on your thumb and index finger… and licking that off, that’s the essence of summer.

If you work in the ice cream industry, solving this problem will probably be the food equivalent of landing a man on the moon; an incredible human achievement that won’t make you rich.  Please don’t let this stop you from doing this for mankind.

Self-Serve Slurpees… at Starbucks
Ever wander into a Starbucks to grab a quick beverage and find that the place has been overrun by children intent on spending $6.95 on a giant Frappucino blended beverage?  It doesn’t anger me that children would like to enjoy a coffee milkshake, they’re incredibly delicious, it just means that now you’ll be waiting in line forever because they’re much more difficult to make than say, an Americano is.

Now it used to be that handing a coffee beverage to somebody younger than twelve would get you a shame inducing stink-eye from every adult within earshot, but this seems to have ended the day everyone in the world became addicted to “afternoon coffee”.  When an exhausted mother of three finds herself in need of her summer afternoon pick me up she’s also forced to bring the kids into the store with her, because gas prices now mean that leaving the car running for the AC is more expensive than buying each kid their own drink… and leaving them in the car gets you sent to prison.

In the era when Yuban ruled the earth (The Yubassic Period), this problem was solved by making a quick stop at the 7-11, because even convenience store coffee was an upgrade to the Folgers crystals that mom was going to be having if she stayed home.  With the advent of Starbucks, 7-11 is no longer an option for people who need coffee… unless they also like the rubbery taste of frozen burritos and for these folks, bad coffee is probably the least of their worries.

Since moms need coffee and the kids clearly don’t, how about solving this problem the convenience store way?  If every Starbucks featured non-coffee frozen beverages in an automatic dispenser, the time taken handcrafting a coffee delight would only be spent on adults who can appreciate the flavor… as opposed to cutting it down with whipped cream, gummy worms, and Oreos bits.

Listen up Starbucks, these dispensers are so cheap that even Kmarts have them.  You could put two of them in by the little kiosk that sells those giant tumblers nobody buys, if people spill on them now they have to buy them!  Also you could call them “Freezuccinos” or “Frappecellos” or something…Jump in here, I can’t do all the work myself.

(PSA for cool moms: Try this idea out at Target stores that feature a Starbucks counter and Snack Bar… plus you can grab some sweet capris and popcorn while you’re there!)

Sunscreen Spray Booths
Sunscreen can either be rubbed into your body by hand, or sprayed on with a can.  While applying sunscreen with an aerosol bottle means that you can now do it yourself, it also means you’re getting a layer so thin that you’re going to need to reapply every 7 minutes.  Since asking someone you aren’t related to to rub you down is the vacation equivalent of asking someone for a ride to the airport, you’re pretty much faced with two options:

Marriage or sunburn.

I once saw an episode of Friends where Ross got a “spray tan” (hilarious racial insensitivity ensued) and thought to myself, “If a high pressure spray booth could be used to apply sunscreen evenly, you could probably get two coats in about 5 minutes, then spend the rest of the day snorkeling!”

I’m sure this could be immediately introduced at high-end resorts (like my favorite La Quinta Inn & Suites in Lincoln City) and then eventually trickle down to neighborhood Walgreens or CVS’.  With this kind of innovation places like Arizona and Hawaii could probably start installing these booths next to the RedBox machines outside of McDonalds.

Think about it inventors, you could be:

Getting rich,

Saving lives,

And preventing unnecessary beach marriages.

Wide Leg Sleeping Bags
Summer camping is easy camping and in most places you don’t really need a sleeping bag, but there is a moment right before the sun comes up where it just feels good to be snuggled up all cozy with the fabric nice and close around your arms as you nuzzle your neck down into the warmth.

The same can never be said for your legs.

When you roll over in a sleeping bag you use your arms to pin the bag to the ground and use your legs to rotate your body inside of it.  This means that your legs get caught up inside the fabric as the bag twists at the bottom.  Since the average person rolls over about 94 times per night (I know, I’m married) sleeping bag sleep is more like wrestling with a wet dress you never intended to wear.

A wide leg bag (Wider at the bottom than the top) would allow your whole body to turn over without having to kick against a bunch of fabric every night.  It also would be a real help to the literally dozens of campers who are afflicted with serious cases of “the Jimmy Legs” (that weird kick some people do right before they fall asleep).

Editors note: An informal survey of my office reveals that no one has “the Jimmy Legs” themselves, but all of their spouses do.

I have other cool summer ideas:

A Slip ‘n Slide that works like a car wash.

Fireworks where the fuse is actually a match you strike on the ground.

Cold body pillows that activate like a squeezeable ice pack.

Watermelemonade Sorbet.

Adult sized Big Wheels.

I could go on and on,

But Summer’s almost over,

I’ve got to get back to work,

And you probably do too!

3 Responses to “Making Summer Better”

  1. Matt July 19, 2013 at 10:52 am #

    LOL @ The Yubassic Period!

  2. Bob Weaver July 19, 2013 at 11:05 am #

    Any invention that has to be frequently replaced like razor blades or Retention Rings. 1. A better, way to floss, 2.Easy bible verse app specific areas you are working on, 3. 8/16 eat fast system, 4. Small group social media Hang outs, (Check out Google + Hangouts) 5. Short power work outs for old people.

    Any body else have any ideas, “IT’s Quiet in here” Bob

    • Jon July 19, 2013 at 11:26 am #

      THese are awesome Ideas Bob! Love the power workouts!

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