Furmanifesto

I was recently asked where I believe the absolute best place to go on vacation in the United States is, and before I could answer, a person near me said, “Florida, no question.”

After rattling off all of the beaches and theme parks that are available, this person gave us the the “palms-up, shoulder-shrug, eye-brow raise” to indicate that this really was a no brainer answer.

When I said that I thought Hawaii was a better spot, this person responded with a shocked, “And get eaten by a shark?!”

It sounded true.

Hawaii has a lot of sharks; according to the International Shark Attack Files at the University of Florida, Hawaii has had 101 unprovoked shark attacks since 1670. Eight of these were fatal. That’s one fatal shark attack every 42 years.

As a well documented shark avoider, I decided to look into the number of shark attacks in Florida. The numbers were astounding: 637 attacks since 1882.  This made me wonder if anybody knew how dangerous a place Florida is?

Which brings me to these not-quite-middle-school-level research findings on the dangers of traveling to America’s “most dangerous tourist location.”

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I was warned this week that men were going to try to hold my hand.

Seriously.

I’m in Africa right now and one of the trip leaders told me to expect that grown men might try to take me by hand as we were walking together.  They also told me not to worry about it because it’s a perfectly normal thing for an African man to do with his friend.

This didn’t make me any less anxious, mostly because I’m not an African man.

It made me think about what I would do if an African man took me by the hand while we are walking…

Would I instinctively flinch?

I don’t want to be offensive.

Would I just act naturally?

How do you act naturally?

I’ve never held hands, as a grown man, with another grown man before.

What’s the protocol?

Do I swing my arms?

How hard should I grip?

Who’s thumb goes on top?

Will we interlock our fingers?

What do I do when our hands get sweaty?

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S TIME TO LET GO?

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If you’ve turned on a news magazine recently you’ve seen coverage of “The Bus Incident”.  I’m not linking the video, because it pains me to think about the torment that the 68 year-old monitor went through at the hands of the middle-school boys that attacked her verbally, let alone watch it again. After seeing the video (posted on Facebook by one of the boys) America wasted no time breaking into “talk-radio debates” about “what’s wrong with our culture” and the “bullying epidemic”. The chatter mostly comes from people confused and disturbed by “what’s going on with our youth” and how “violent media is corrupting our children”.  Show hosts offer resounding platitudes about “re-education” and “proper school funding” as if the problem on display was created by a school system that somehow forgot to tell children that it’s wrong to verbally abuse an elderly woman.

A woman who knows all of your names.

Because she has ridden the bus with you all year.

A woman who is being paid to supervise you.

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