Bed of Fear

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When I was 7 years old I heard an intruder in my house.

My parents had put me to bed and I had fallen asleep with ease, but for some reason I woke up at 11:40 pm.

I know this because my AM/FM Casio clock radio, with digital readout and snooze alarm feature, was the only light immediately visible in the room.

Within a few moments I realized why I had woken up. I had heard the door from the garage to the house open and close… And now I could hear footsteps in the hall.

As the footsteps approached the back of the house, I realized that the intruder was probably a burglar (I had just watched an episode of CHIPs) and having been in the garage he had most likely availed himself of one of my fathers axes.

As the axe murderer made his way towards my room I frightfully realized that my bedroom door was open… and that there was no way to get out of bed, close the door, and get into the closet before he passed by the opening.

I pulled the covers completely over my head.

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They weren’t just drug tests…

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I can’t do algebra, not even a little bit. While I can add apples and take apples away from apples, as soon as the letters start mixing with the numbers I’m completely lost.

Now that you know that I can’t do algebra, you might assume that I’ve also failed an algebra test or two. You’d be wrong though, I went an entire year of school passing algebra tests; because I am an accomplished math cheat.

I cheated on every assignment, test, and quiz of every day, of my freshman year of school.

It was easy, I would look at the papers of everyone around me and write down exactly what i saw. I also got a little help from people “liked” me enough to “trust me”, and blindly believe in my innocence.

I had no conscience, just a desperate desire to get a passing grade any way I could.

Lance Armstrong has been stripped of 7 Tour De France victories, and faces a lifetime ban for using illegitimate substances while competing at the highest level of bicycle racing.

Lance Armstrong has never officially failed a drug test.

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What Doesn’t Stay In Vegas

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Prince Harry has been photographed cavorting nudely in Vegas.

In what appears to be a massive surprise to people everywhere, a powerful, wealthy, 27 year-old prince apparently travels the globe getting his “Zoot” on.

This fails to shock me for two reasons:

1.) I already learned that this happens from the un-watchably awful 2004 romantic comedy “The Prince and Me”.

2.) This really seems to be what the un-wealthy and average are also traveling to Vegas for, regardless of age.

Las Vegas loved our colloquial adage “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” so much that they began using it in tourist advertisements in the mid 2000’s.

The Las Vegas Visitors Bureau didn’t coin the phrase, they just began using it to officially invite people to come do what so many people had been doing there since Dean and Sammy hopped their first flight to hang with Frank.

The only problem with the motto is that what happens in Vegas never actually stays in Vegas… And I’m not talking about the loss of “privacy” that comes with smart-phone cameras.

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