Mace Me Bro!

While you have to be impressed by the sheer audacity of a mother who goes on Good Morning America to protest the pepper spraying of her son during his enraged assault on teachers, students, and an innocent television set, you should be even more impressed by the sheer cheek of her 8 year old son who, while wielding a cardboard shield and a wooden knife, tells the cops to, “Come get me F^*#ers!

As impressive as this level of insanity is, we should be even more impressed by the actual nerve of the police officer who let the kid have it with the business end of an 8 oz. bottle of liquified peppers… twice. Sure the kid wasn’t really a danger to the police officer, but he was IN DANGER of not learning a very important lesson and that lesson is this: “You don’t screw around with people who put their lives on the line to protect human beings.” Whether it’s a cop, a fireman, or a soldier, you don’t get in the way of someone whose job is the care and protection of people, even if that person is you.

None of us live in a vacuum, and while our Constitution gives us a right to speak and live freely, it doesn’t actually protect us from the consequences of our freely issued words and actions.

Sometimes you call a cop out, and he calls your bluff in a way that makes you cry, foam at the mouth and wet yourself in front of the other kids… whom you’ve forced into a closet.
Continue Reading…

Your So Called Guilty Pleasure

There seems to be a never-ending list of insufferable teen sitcoms… that I have loved.

Whether you imagined yourself attending West Beverly High or cheering on the Bayside Tigers, the 1990’s were rife with television programming aimed at giving adolescence it’s day in sun, regardless of who was intent on watching it.

My vote for the champion of the genre is the seldom, yet fondly, remembered “My So Called Life” which ran for only 19 episodes during 1994.  While “My So Called Life” was well written and impeccably acted (by actual teenagers nonetheless) it may also have been the first teen themed program to even attempt to honestly touch on the actual awkwardness and confusion that accompanies adolescence.

While other shows caricatured this awkwardness by including a “dork” character, “My So Called Life” pointed out the painful reality that even guys with names like Jordan and Zack did things that made them feel and look more like a Potsie Webber than the Fonz.
Continue Reading…

Do Over

The University of Oregon needs to change their mascot.

Full disclosure:  My favorite college football team is the UCLA Bruins.  That’s correct, my football team is from a school that’s known for basketball, math, and violating the rights of the handicapped.

I’m a Bruin fan because I’m from SoCal, and I’m not a USC Trojan fan because I’m from North Los Angeles County, not Frontrunner County.  That being said, The University of Oregon failed miserably during the School Mascot Draft of nineteen thirty whenever.

For those unfamiliar with the legend surrounding the Oregon mascot, here it is in 3 sentences:  In 1876 the university began competing under the name “Webfoots”.  Sometime in the 1930’s a duckling named “Puddles” began making appearances as the schools mascot.  Eventually someone appropriated Donald Duck’s likeness, Walt Disney thought it was cute, and now an entire state is stuck with a mascot that even Denny Crane can’t defend in court.

I’m not saying the Ducks aren’t the best college football program west of Texas, I’m saying that their mascot ranks just slightly above the Stanford Tree but below the Irvine Anteater in terms of intimidating flora and fauna.

Duck fans can’t argue this point; they know their mascot is the culmination of a historical comedy of errors that cascades towards the present day like a green and yellow domino rally:  “Webfoots” is grammatically inferior to “Webfeet”, Puddles is the kind of name you give to a cowardly puppy, and choosing any one of Disney’s seven dwarves would have produced better results than choosing an incoherent and impotent oceangoing nincompoop.

Continue Reading…

Page 79 of 87« First...506070«7778798081»...Last »