The Oatmeal Raisin Connundrum

Anybody who’s ever flown from New York to Los Angeles has experienced what I like to call “Mealtime Dysmorphia”, this is a scientific term that I just made up to describe the strange scenario you find yourself in when your internal body clock (the clock God gave you) is between 3 to 5 hours ahead of the clocks we make up on our own.

For instance, after traveling east to west across 3 or more time zones, You wake up for breakfast, only to find that your body is craving lunch.

The problem is that no restuarant in the world begins serving lunch items until after 10:30 AM (I suspect that they all learned this from McDonalds).

For some reason our societal structure has determined that eating dinner food for breakfast is completely unacceptable in the way that eating breakfast food for dinner is deviously enticing; having waffles for dinner makes you a hero of whimsy, but go ahead and serve lasagna at 7 AM and see what kind of a social outcast you become.

So you begin wondering what food is available that qualifies as “breakfasty” enough to be served, yet “lunchy” enough to satisfy your ever expanding appetite for significant sustenance?

If you’re lucky it’s a Sunday and there’s somebody serving a brunch, but those don’t usually start till 10:30, and this means waiting until your body thinks it’s 1:30 before you get a shot at a slice ham at best.

I’ve found that your best bet in these scenarios (don’t even think about convenience store hot dogs) is to completely cast logic aside and begin eating cookies.

Think about it.

The one acceptable breakfast time inversion is eating dessert for breakfast, and we already do it without thinking about it.

Isn’t a muffin just a tiny cake?

At what other meal is it acceptable to eat a doughnut?

Fruity Pebbles? Cocoa Puffs? Cookie Crisp?

On top of this, weren’t you always trying to steal a cookie before dinner? Isn’t this when they taste the best anyways?This is your chance to go hog wild.

I rest my case.

I suggest you get yourself to a grocer immediately and begin stocking up with anything but oatmeal raisin cookies.

Because an oatmeal raisin cookie isn’t really a cookie is it?

Now I’m not saying that the ORC isn’t tasty, in fact it might be your favorite, but think about it: The ORC is the most socially acceptable, least offensive “sweet” in the line-up.

By eating them for lunch and dinner you are playing right into breakfast’s hands.

Oatmeal and raisins are breakfast foods aren’t they?

When have you ever been served a dessert of “Oatmeal”?

If you went to a restaurant and saw “Box of Raisins” on the dessert menu, wouldn’t you immediately leave the establishment to begin picketing their “socialist naturalism”?

How can you combine two non-dessert items and create a dessert from it?

You’re better off drinking a Pepsi before 10:30 AM (the equivalent of a breakfast Scotch) than you are having an oatmeal raisin cookie.

That is unless you haven’t crossed any time zones and are looking for a delicious yet portable breakfast option.

One Response to “The Oatmeal Raisin Connundrum”

  1. Kent October 23, 2012 at 10:49 am #

    Hilarious, thanks for brightening my day.

Leave a Reply:

XHTML: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>