Seasoned Heroics


I’m only 40, but I’m seriously looking forward to my retirement.

Now that’s not to say that I’m tired or that I don’t like my job, it’s just that I’ve been watching people reach retirement ages and I’ve discovered that many of them enter their next stage of life with the opportunity to deeply invest themselves into their passions.

For some it’s exercise.  The gym I go to is hopping with active seniors who take advantage of their newly flexible schedules to indulge in the life affirming joys that come from 45 minutes of nautilus exercises, a good steam bath, and then engaging in the time-honored ritual of nude locker-room conversation.

For others it’s travel.  I live near Oregon Highway 99W or as I call it, “Gateway to the Casinos”.  It’s not uncommon for me to stop at a service station filled with luxury motor homes and the incredibly friendly men who pilot them.  A retiree operating a mobile housing unit has a passion for talking about cars and building projects and has clearly discovered the gold mine found in combining a love of the open road with his God-given drive for home improvement.

Some find joy in animal husbandry.  Each of these motorhomes features at least two other passengers, the driver’s lovely wife, and her hypo allergenic canine companion.  I’ve found that the natural instinct to nurture does not pass with the graduation of a family’s biological children, rather it flowers anew with the arrival of grandchildren and if these grandchildren do not live within striking distance of a premium model Winnebago, then God will create a poodle or terrier to receive the surplus of love that only a motorhome filled with Grandparents can produce.

Perhaps my favorite AARP pastime is the pronounced vigilantism that rises from the heart of a man with a strong sense of justice and an abundance of time.  It’s not uncommon for a diligent retiree to take to his front porch with a keen eye bent on keeping the uneasy peace that surrounds a cul-de-sac filled with prepubescent boys… especially as spring transitions into summer.  I myself was much reprimanded by our local septuagenarian, especially in regards to my carelessness with lighter fluid, fireworks, and empty tennis ball tubes.

Perhaps the greatest display of late-aged crime fighting was revealed to us this week when a florida man was arrested and fined $48,000 for driving around with a Cell Phone Jamming Device in his car.  That’s right, Jason R. Humphrey’s of Tampa spent the better part of 2 years driving his car along Florida highways intent on making sure that people couldn’t talk on their cell phones and drive at the same time.

I know what you are thinking:

A.) “A Cell Phone Jamming Device! Is that even a thing?” Absolutely it is.  Cell phone jammers were first developed for use by law enforcement and military officials so that police could block phone calls in dangerous situations like a hostage situation or a raid.

2.) “I myself am a retiree, or father of teen girls, where can I purchase one of my own?” Actually federal law prohibits importing, marketing, sale, possession or using these types of wireless signal jamming devices, because it’s unsafe for use around people who might need to make 911 calls.   Which means you can find them quite easily on Craigslist.

As a child I spent countless hours fantasizing about what it would like to be a crime fighter with a hidden identity, but never in my wildest dreams did my fantasy of clandestine culprit catching include me being a retiree when the time came.  It’s probably the result of the hubris that comes with being a young man, but has anybody ever seriously considered that a retiree would actually make the best cover story for a super hero or secret agent?

Retirees will often disappear for up to 6 months and no one suspects anything.  If someone suspects that their retired relative has been secretly spying on the happenings of the Syrian Civil War all it would take to deflect suspicion is to say, “How can you think that? We’ve been in Scottsdale for the last 6 months.”  Either way, they’ll have a tan to prove it.

A network of retiree agents could also be beneficial in case of cyber attack.  If the phones and the email go down what is the best way to get a message from wherever you are standing to wherever it needs to go?  Look around, I guarantee that from where you are you can see at least 1 retiree.  This is an honest and trustworthy person with the experience and people skills to strike up a conversation with anyone. If you ask them to deliver an important message, they will write down the details and pass it down their network of friends to see if anybody can help.  Try that with a 25 year-old dude who plays Settlers of Cataan.

Do I need to try to convince you that our government would save massive amounts of money by employing retirees as agents of justice?  They’ve already got the housing and transpiration angle covered, and their natural instinct to find real value in every dollar would immediately improve the efficiency of our bloated and bureaucratic system.

Maybe you think they couldn’t be hearty enough to deal with the physical challenges of crime fighting?  Well Liam Neeson is 61 people.

Bonus points?

Not even Sean Connery’s Bond could beat a retiree at card games.

Whatever our age, we really do enter the next stage of our lives with the opportunity to deeply invest ourselves into our passions.  I’m hoping that we have an awesome over 65 superhero soon because I trust a retiree’s moral compass way more than my own.  Plus it’s actually way more plausible than what we’ve already got:

Name an actual wealthy, young, celebrity who is investing themselves in fighting crime?

When was the last time an extraterrestrial with galactic powers crashed on earth and decided to fight crime through journalism, and it turned out to be a good movie?

I’m holding out for a new kind of hero and I’m hoping it happens in the next 25 years, because I’m not trusting that Aquaman can provide me with the kind of inspiration I’m going to need to develop my own late-aged crime fighting persona.

Late-aged crime fighting persona…

Sounds cool doesn’t it?

Man, I’m really looking forward to my retirement.

3 Responses to “Seasoned Heroics”

  1. Bob Weaver May 2, 2014 at 10:51 pm #

    Caleb at 85 said ” I want that mountain”
    Joshua 14:6-14
    New International Reader’s Version (NIRV)
    Joshua Gives Hebron to Caleb

    6 The men of Judah approached Joshua at Gilgal. Caleb, the son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite, spoke to Joshua. He said, “You know what the Lord said to Moses, the man of God. He spoke to him at Kadesh Barnea about you and me. 7 Moses, the servant of the Lord, sent me from Kadesh Barnea to check out the land. I was 40 years old at that time. I brought back an honest report to him. I told him exactly what I had seen. 8 Several other men of Israel went up with me. What they reported made the hearts of the people melt away in fear. But I followed the Lord my God with my whole heart.

    9 “So on that day Moses took an oath and made a promise to me. He said, ‘The land your feet have walked on will be your share. It will be the share of your children forever. That’s because you have followed the Lord my God with your whole heart.’ (Deuteronomy 1:36)

    10 “The Lord has done just as he promised. He made the promise while Israel was wandering around in the desert. That was 45 years ago. He has kept me alive all of this time. So here I am today, 85 years old! 11 I’m still as strong today as I was the day Moses sent me out. I’m just as able to go out to battle now as I was then.

    12 “So give me this hill country. The Lord promised it to me that day. At that time you yourself heard that the Anakites were living there. You also heard that their cities were large and had high walls. But I’ll drive them out, just as the Lord said I would. He will help me do it.”

    13 Then Joshua blessed Caleb, the son of Jephunneh. He gave him Hebron as his share.

    14 So ever since that time Hebron has belonged to Caleb, the son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite. That’s because he followed the Lord, the God of Israel, with his whole heart.
    John: God Still has something for me to do. Bob

    • Jon May 4, 2014 at 11:08 am #

      So the Bible beat everybody to the punch… again.

  2. Nancy May 7, 2014 at 8:26 am #

    Ever hear of Mrs. Pollifax? Super spy and super spry!

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